THE SHARP POINT OF COMMUNICATION
We communicate to exchange information, ideas and feelings in a number of ways. In a survival situation, you are face to face with your aggressor. From the very moment of the first glimpse, communication has already started without word being spoken. Through the eyes, the figure and facial features of the person are transmitted to the brain: within a millisecond, the puncture joins that section of the brain that holds the schema of all the people you have met, seen and have had described to you. Without you realizing it, your body is already reacting – your body is communicating with the other person.
You may never have met thus person before, but he could fit a particular negative stereotype that you already have. He may be dressed in a way that shows his religious or political beliefs or he may remind you of a person who has posed a threat to you in the past. Likewise, he will have already begun analyse you in the same way. Understanding the way which non-verbal communication works and adapting this may be the edge you need in order to interact verbally with a possible attacker or terrorist without antagonizing the or making yourself a target.
Non-verbal communication accounts for between 55% and 90% of everyday conversation. How the aggressor reacts to you will be greatly influenced by your body language and your tone voice. Understanding the signs and being able to read them quickly will help you to react in a positive way and hopefully turn an aggressive confrontation into a two-way conversation.
When faced with the prospect of violence, the human body reacts by preparing you for either fighting or running. It’s very difficult to control this reaction, and equally difficult to get rational control long enough to make a proper appraisal and adopt the most appropriate response. Being able to communicate effectively in these situations helps you to take control and lessen the risk of violence.
BEING ASSERTIVE
Assertive communication is about getting your point across and allowing the other person to put their point of view to you, without either party feeling threatened. If you are aggressive, this tells your opponents that you allow yourself the right of expression whilst denying them that same right. This can only result in escalating aggression and, ultimately, violence.
Remember: in a survival situation your first priority must be protection, and that means avoiding violence at all costs. The key is to communicate with your opponent to the point where you and they have a feeling of mutual respect, even if it is false.
During my mediation and negotiating training, I learned how this mutual respect between hostage and captor can grow into virtual collusion. This is the Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostage actually starts to help the captor. I’ve witnessed similar situations with long-term undercover operators and the criminals they have been observing. Such agents can become a danger a=to their colleagues and jeopardize entire operations.
Similarly, if you can develop your communication skills as effectively, you may well be able to turn your captors into friends. This can help you avoid becoming a long-term hostage, or a victim murdered to prove a point.
NON-VERBAL CUES
Obviously, there are thousands pf non-verbal indicators that can give you an indication of your opponent’s true feelings. Some of the most common to watch for and to avoid are below:
Tilting the head down indicates the person is unsure
You: you must avoid showing your opponent that you are unsure. Always present yourself as being confident and in control
Them: This signal indicates you have touched a vulnerable spot. Use the same line of conversation carefully to keep your opponent on their back foot.
Hand clenched as a fist across the chest is a sure sign of hostility
You: displaying your hostility to the other side is almost always counter-productive
Them: Be very careful; this person is clearly hostile towards you. If at all possible, keep out of their way. If you have to interact, give them room to be a little hostile, and be assertive to stop them from overstepping the mark. In a hostage situation, plan how to eliminate this person first or you may become a target.
Finger-jabbing shows that the person is becoming aggressive. If the jabbing escalates, they are becoming more agitated.
You: This gesture can inflame situations and enrage opponents. Keep your fingers to yourself!
Them: Your communication is inflaming the situation, not defusing it. Try a different tack to calm the situation.
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
In many situations, assertive communication can help avert violence. Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression, but the two are obviously different. Aggressive conversation assumes the aggressor has more rights than the person they are communicating with, but assertive communication is about putting your point across while respecting the other person’s right to their opinion and viewpoint.
When people communicate assertively, the conversation is a true exchange and real dialogue can take place. This often defuses a aggressive situations. Everyone should have the right to:
- State their needs and make requests
- Set personal priorities
- Receive respect and dignity
- Express feelings, opinions and beliefs
- Freely agree, disagree and say ‘yes’ and ‘no’
- Be treated as equal
- Be able to change their minds without ridicule or seeming weak
- Be allowed to make mistakes and to rethink positions
- Express lack of understanding and receive clear explanation
- State beliefs without feeling that they need approval
- Make decisions for themselves
- Accept – or refuse – responsibility for solving other people’s problems
Assertive communication is an enabling device. It gives people the room to manoeuvre without feeling that they are being seen as weaker. When the balance of communication is equal, negative and unpredictable emotions such as anger and fear can be replaced by constructive and positive responses. When this point has been reached, you can negotiate properly and move away from aggressions and violence.
Rewrite from THE SURVIVAL MANUAL [Learn The Skills For Coping In Any Extreme Situation] by Ken Griffiths
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